Monster Media 1994 #2/Monster Media No. 2 (Monster Media)(1994).ISO/text/mtghumor.zip/PYTHON.TXT

Internet Message Format | 1994-05-08 | 20KB

From: [e-mail]

Stop all this Monty Python Nonsense.  It's SILLY!  Let's
do something military...some marching, perhaps.

    March         2W
Gives creature banding ability.
"I'll scratch your eyes out..."

Now.  That's better.   Wait...what's that (looking up)..
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH  **SPLAT**

   16-Ton weight    4
Must be dropped from at least 3 feet.  Destroys all below it.
(like chaos orb, no "flipping")

  Or.....

   Piano        2B
May only be used if player has Plains in play.  Destroys any
one creature.
"Standing out in the middle of the field, Mr. Phlegm thought he
would be safe from falling pianos."

  And Now for Something Completely Different       2W
Obliterates ALL CARDS except the player's library.  All
cards in hand, in graveyard, and in play are put aside and
not used.  Each player reshuffles the remainder of their deck,
adds a card to the ante, and draws 7 new cards.  Cards put
aside may not be used for the rest of the game in any way.

  Dinsdale       4GGG
This creature eats one creature from either side (determined
with a die roll) per round.  When he is the only creature,
he eats himself.   (Stop that...that's silly.)

and, of course.....

   THE SPANISH INQUISITION
(noooooooobody expects the spanish inquisition)
                                 1B
When the Spanish Inquisition is hidden under an
Illusionary Mask, or is otherwise hidden before
use, it gains X/X, where X is the number of Spanish
Inquisitions in play.

  THE COMFY CHAIR            4
Tap to heal one point of damage if the Spanish Inquisition
is not on the owner's side.  If the Spanish Inquisition is in
play, the owner may tap both to do two points of
damage to any creature.

THE SOFT PILLOWS        2
This enchantment adds one to the effect of THE COMFY CHAIR.

But, of course...

    HOW NOT TO BE SEEN      2B
This enchantment allows a creature to "hide" until the owner's
newt untap phase.  This creautre may not attack, block, or
be effected by anything during this time.

    THE "SPECIAL SCALES"     WW
Like BALANCE, but caster of spell may keep one extra card in
each category.
      "It's a fair cop."

   THE SILLY WALK      2B
Creature begins hopping around and acting silly.  Creature
must be untapped twice to fully untap.  Any creature attacked
by the "Silly Walked" creautre is -1/-1 due to confusion.

  I NEVER WANTED TO BE A LUMBERJACK...    2W
Must be cast on a Human.  The Human will then become a clone of
another Human in play.  (i.e. Sorcerer to N. Paladin).

  THE SILLY MONKS    2B
These monks just walk through the battlefield every 3 turns,
chanting Latin and hitting themselves on the head (doing 1 damage).
The may not participate in any combat.
                                            0/13

----------------------------------
From: Jeff Alexander <[e-mail]>

>  Dinsdale       4GGG
>This creature eats one creature from either side (determined
>with a die roll) per round.  When he is the only creature,
>he eats himself.   (Stop that...that's silly.)

     No, no, no -- that was Spiny Norman.


And how about...

Dingy Castle    B

Summon Wall

If tapped for any reason,
Dingy Castle turns into a Swamp.
"It sank..."
                        0/2


Wedding Party   W

Summon Party

May only block Knights.  If the Knight
has Trample ability, it is ignored.

                        0/1

--------------------------------
From: "Jeremy C. York" <[e-mail]>

Here's an even weirder version of And Now For Something Completely Different:

  And Now for Something Completely Different       2W
Obliterates ALL CARDS except players' libraries.  All
cards in hand, in graveyard, and in play are put aside and
not used.  Each player adds the top card in their library to
the ante.  Then players swap libraries (although not ownership
of cards) and each player draws 7 cards from their new library.
Cards put aside may not be used for the rest of the game in any way.

----------------------------------
From: Paul Peterson (General) <[e-mail]>

Vocational Guidance Counciler  BB2 Sorcery
Exchange any of your creatures in play for any creature in either graveyard.
" I want to be a lion tamer"

Spam 4
Poly artifact:
1: Make one opponent's land produce colorless mana for one turn.
"Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, swamp, and spam"

General W2 Interrupt
Stops an action(casting spell, attack, fast effect, etc.) in the
middle.  All tapped cards remain tapped without producing effects,
cards being played go to the graveyard.
"Stop that.  It's becoming too silly"

Funniest joke ever  RR Enchant creature
Creature dies when tapped, but creatures controller may then place joke
card on any other creature in play.
"It's effects were devistating"

---------------------------------
From: Paul Peterson (General) <[e-mail]>

Spiny Norman GG4  4/4
Ignores walls
"Dinsdale?!"

(picture the giant hedgehog peering over the top of a wall)

The Spot  BB Enchant Creature
Owner must pay one mana during upkeep, or creature dies.
"foolishly he ignored it, until one day he died of cancer"

(picture of the prince with the spot on his face.)

-----------------------------------
From: (Brian Cucksee HSV) <[e-mail]>


Card                 cast   type      str   Special                      Freq
-------------------  ----   --------  ---   ------------------------     ------
Knights of Ni        4any   creature  0/3   Tap to tap all opponents     RARE
                                            knights in play.

I'm geh-hin beh-her  0      instant         Regenerates creature to      COMMON
                                            1 toughness.


----------------------------------
From: "Clay Colwell" <[e-mail]>

Legendary Black Beast Of AAARRRRGGGGHH
Summon
4BBB
7/7 Trample

Sacrifice a Brother Maynard to it per turn or
else it does 7 points damage to its owner.


Fatal Heart Attack
1R
Acts as a Terror card.  Has no effect on
Red or Artifact Creatures.


Trojan Rabbit
Mono Artifact
1

2*X: use to Summon a Creature face down,
     where X is the casting cost of the
     Creature.
Sacrifice and tap a Cow Catapult to
destroy all of opponent's knights in play.

WRT Jim Geldmacher's idea for Sir Lancelot:

(summon Knight)  3W

Plainswalk 2/2

Sir Lancelot also should have Swampwalk
(remember the ease with which he made it to Swamp Castle?)

Bloody 'ell, give him *all* the *Walks (including Sillywalk).

--------------------------------------------
From: (Marc Luettchau) <[e-mail]>

Ok, I can't resist:

Bring Out Your Dead
1B
Instant
Any creatures damaged, but not killed this phase are sent to
the graveyard. "I'm not dead yet." BONK!

-----------------------------
From: (Mark A. Sonnes) <[e-mail]>

Holy Handgrenade of Antioch
4 (NO 3!)
Mono Artifact

2: do 1 damage to all non-white
creatures in play.  Destroys all
rabbits without possibility of
regeneration.

-----------------------------------
From: (Mitch Burton) <[e-mail]>

Hmmm..

Dead Parrot             WW

Mono Artifact

1: Tap two creatures, at least one of which must be controllde by you.

(erm, casting cost should be 2, not WW)

Hmmm..  maybe...

Hell's Grannies         1B

Summon Grannies

Plainswalk

                       1/2

I like the dead parrot better..

---------------------------------------
From: [e-mail]

French Guardsmen
1B
Summon Guardsmen
1/2, Bands, Tap to make an attacking creature -1/-1 from getting blue-faced
w/ anger and frustration.
(this is a fun one to collect many of)

Holy Grail Beacon
B
Instant
Acts as a Lure spell for knights only.

Which Witch is Witch?
BB
Summon Witch
1/1 :Tap to cast a 1-turn weakness on any creature in play (lasts for one turn,
so x/1 creatures may be regenerated).  If it would normally be killed, you
may sacrifice any of your creatures instead. "I'm not a witch! I'm *not* a
witch!"

Quest for the Holy Grail
WWWW
Enchantment
All white creatures lose banding ability, regardless of any other effects, but
gain +1/+2.  If Grail ever comes into play, this card is discarded.

Holy Grail
5
Mono Artifact
Ivory cup effect, or prevent up to 3 damage;unlike the cup it can only be
used once per turn.

--------------------------------
From: [e-mail]

The Black Knight   BB

Summon Knight

Automatically regenerates

"It's just a flesh wound"

   0/1

----------------------------------
From: (Mark A Biggar) <[e-mail]>

The Blancmange
2WW (its white of course)
Summon alien

Tap to turn any creature into a scotsman
If killed all scotsmen revert to original
cards.


Scotsman
0 (plaid card)
summon scotsman

0/1

------------------------------------
From: Jim Geldmacher <[e-mail]>

>    HOW NOT TO BE SEEN      2B
>This enchantment allows a creature to "hide" until the owner's
>newt untap phase.  This creautre may not attack, block, or
^^^^^^^^

Is this a new phase of the game? Or just a clever reference to this card?

The Witch 2G
Tap to turn any creature into a Newt (0/1) until the creatures next (newt?)
untap phase.
"I got better!"

Police Investigator 3W
Tap to destroy any knight in play.

Sir Lancelot  3W
Plainswalk 2/2

--------------------------------
From: (Jonathan Leistiko) <[e-mail]>

The Spammish Repetition, Interrupt ("Nobody Expects the Spammish Repetition!!!")
                         play to untap and re-use any Spam-colored card.

Spam Diner Dinner, Sorcery, play to gain one point of health from each Spam-
                   colored card in play. ("I don't like _Spam_!!!")

BTW - Is Spam-colored-mana called... Spama or Spana?  Mam mabye?

Spammic Venom, Enchant Spam, target Spama does 2 damage
               to controller when tapped.

Spamdolin Dryads, Summon Creature, 1/1, Spec. Pow.: Spamwalk

Spavanah, Multi-land, Green/White/Spammish

Consecrate Spam, Enchant Spam, All enchantments on target Spam are destroyed.
                 Spam cannot be destroyed or further... (you know it...)

Spamglasses of Urza, Continuous Artifact, All Plains can be used as Spama.

That's it for now (and I didn't even do a Spamite Healer!!!)...

----------------------------------------
From: (Mitch Burton) <[e-mail]>

Spambolt, Instant, Does 2 damage to target

Ironroot Spamfolk, Summon Spamfolk, 3/5

Wall of Spam, Summon Wall, 0/4, 1:Regenerates

Mox Spam, Mono Artifact, Add 1 colorless mana to your mana pool.  Tapping
                         this artifact can be played as an interrupt.

-------------------------------------------
From: Paul Peterson (General) <[e-mail]>

OB Card: How not to be seen  2UU  Enchant creature
During each player's untap phase, turn enchanted creature and
enchantment card upside down next to each other in random order.  Other
encantments are placed on top of both cards.  Anytime the creature
would normally take damage, opponent chooses one of the two cards to
affect.  If it is the creature, it takes damage normally.  If it is the
enchantment card, the creature takes no damage.  Once upturned, the
cards stay that way until the next untap phase, when they are turned over.
"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM - EARGH!!  He was behind the middle bush."

-----------------------------------
From: [e-mail]

Living Spam- makes all spamlands 1/1 creatures.

The Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things
-Enchantment- gives target banding ability.

Passion Fruit - Instant - target gains +4/+0
"What if he attacks you with a passion fruit"

Spring Suprise - Enchant creature -1/-2
"Well it was certainly a surprise, wasn't it"

Confuse a Cat, Inc. - Instant - Target creatures is tapped

I thought Spam was a little low on creatures so here are some:

Summon Crunchy Frog 2/2
Summon "It's Guy"  1/3    "It's . . . "
Summon Bruce 1/1 - Tap to end any rules arument in your favor
   "There is NO rule #6"
Summon Pepperpot 2/1    "There's a Penguin on the telly"
Summon Scottsman 0/1    "AAAAHHHHAAHHHHHaaaahhhhhh    *SPLAT*"
Pirate Accountants-Summon Corporation-3/4 Tap to destroy any other
   corporation.  "Avast Ye' Matieys, prepare to be boarded"

----------------------------------------
From: Jim Geldmacher <[e-mail]>

Side of Spam, interrupt, change the text of any card, replacing a single
color word with "Spam"

Spamlace, interrupt, change any card's color to Spam

Spamtasmal Spam, enchant land,target land becomes "Spam" and now produces
colorless mana (Spam-colored mana?)

Spam's Liege,summon, power and toughness equal to the total number of Spam
lands in play, tap to turn any land into Spam

Can of Spam, mono artifact, tap and spend 3 mana to create a 1/1 spam
creature

Hungry Vikings, summon,1/1, tap to destroy any Spam colored card in play

--------------------------------------
From: "Wes Contreras" <[e-mail]>
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Sender: [e-mail]
Subject: MONTE: The Grailing compilation!!!
To: Multiple recipients of list <[e-mail]>
Errors-To: [e-mail]
Comment: General (public) discussion of Deckmaster games
Originator: [e-mail]
Version: 5.5 -- Copyright (c) 1991/92, Anastasios Kotsikonas



And now for a "small" compilation of some of the Monte: The Grailing cards (all
stolen from the list, without permission, and often edited slightly, but still
hilariously funny). ;-)

Definitely enough for a goodly run of cards.....


============================

Vorpal Bunny       1W

(Summon Bunny)

Flying
Tap to destroy any Knight

"... Look at the bones!!"

                    1/1

============================

Wall of Shrubbery   G

(Summon Wall)

                    0/2

============================

Summon Frenchmen    1R

(Summon Frenchman)

Bands
Tap to make an attacking creature
-2/0 for remainer of turn.

                    1/2

============================


Cow Catapult        2R

(Summon Frenchman)

Sacrifice any creature and tap
to do 4 damage to any one target.

                    0/4

============================

Power Word "Nee"    B

(Instant)

Taps all creatures in play.

============================

Sir Robin's Minstrels    WW

(Summon Squires)

Sacrifice this creature to heal
4 Life Points on any 1 target.

                    0/1

============================

Sir Robin               W

(Summon Knight)

Cannot block any creature of
power greater than 0.

"Sir Robin... who personally
wet himself at the Battle of
Badon Hill."

                    2/3

============================

Bridge of Death     UUU

(Summon Wall)

If a creature is blocked, attacking
player must choose a color. The top
card in the attacker's library is
flipped and returned to the bottom
of the library. If the card flipped
is of the color guessed, then the
Bridge of Death is removed from play.
Otherwise, attacking creature is
destroyed without possibility of
resurrection.

                    -/-

============================

African Swallow     UU

(Summon Swallow)

Banding
All creatures in banded group are
considered to be Flying.

                    0/1

============================

Autonomous Collective    BBB

(Acts as farmstead, but with black
mana instead of white... I haven't
seen a farmstead yet. <grin> still
a beginner.)

============================

The Green Knight         3B

(Summon Knight)

Regenerates
After every regeneration, it is
-1/0. If power is 0 and it is
regenerated again, it can no
longer block.

                    2/4

============================

Castle Anthrax          2R

(Enchantment)

All of opponent's knights are
at -2/-1.

============================

Holy Grain Beacon       B

(Acts as a Lure spell for
knights only; I haven't seen
a Lure spell either....)

============================

Which Witch is Which?     BB

(Summon Witch)

Tap to cause a creature to be
at -1/-2 for remainder of turn.
If Toughness falls below zero,
creature dies but may be regenerated.
If the player controlling the
target creature wishes, he may
sacrifice another creature to
counter this spell.

============================

Quest for the Holy Grail    WWWW

(Enchantment)

All white creatures lose banding
ability, but gain +1/+2. If Grail
ever comes into play, this card
is removed from play.

============================

Holy Grail                 5

(Poly Artifact)

1: Gain one life with the casting
of any White spell. Tap to prevent
up to 3 damage to any target.

============================

Bring Out Your Dead!       2R

(Instant)

All creatures damaged, but not killed,
previously in this turn are placed
in the Graveyard.

============================

Corpse Cart                1BB

(Poly Artifact)

1: May enchant a creature to +0/+1
each time a creature dies.

============================

Confused Guards            W2

(Summon Guards)

When tapped, Guards cannot be untapped
the next turn. The following turn,
they may be untapped as normal. Guards
are tapped when summoned, but can be
untapped normally the next turn.

============================

Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch   3W

(Mono Artifact)

1: May "count" once. After "counting"
three times, the Grenade may be tapped
the next turn (using one White mana) to
do 2 damage to all opponents' non-White
creatures. If the Grenade is not used
the next turn, it does 2 damage to all
your non-White creatures, and is tapped
normally. When tapped, the Grenade also
destroys all Rabbits in play without
possibility of regeneration.

============================

Date:        Sat, 29 Jan 94 01:56:44 EST
From: STKN000 <[e-mail]> (Andy Richard)

 -------------
  The Larch            GG
  Enchantment

  All Forest in play now produce 1 mana per turn. (.oOh)
  "The Larch"

 -------------
  Eric the Half-a-Bee  RR
  Summon Bee

  Flying. Bands.            (1/2) / (1/2)

 -------------
  Cat Licence          1B
  Enchantment

  All cats in play now get +1/+1.
  "Thats not a Cat Licence... It a dog licence with the word dog
   scrached out and the word cat written in crayon."

 -------------
  Mary Queen of Scots   W
  Summon Queen

  Regenerates. All creatures that can attack card must do so on
  attackers turn or be sent to the graveyard.
  "I'm not dead yet."
                                 0/1

 -------------
  Stoning               W
  Sorcery

  Does 3 damage to any target.
  "Jehovah ... Jehovah ... Jehovah"

 -------------
  Dept. of Philosophy, Wala Wala U.     4
  Poly Artifact

  3: to summon 1 Bruce. Bruces are 1/2 and can band.
  "Good-ay Bruce."

 --------------

 ---------------------------------------------------------------

From: [e-mail] (Brian Cucksee HSV)


Coconut Halves                         2G

Tap to make any 1/1 creature a knight for the remainder of the turn with
protection from one the creature color's diametric schools of magic.